HISTORICAL FICTION

DECEMBER 20, 1999

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:03:33 -0500

The Vermont Supreme Court rules that homosexual couples are entitled to the same benefits and protections as wedded couples.

Oh Vermont - you are so cute.

DECEMBER 19, 1967

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:55:54 -0500

Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos, AKA Criss Angel, is born. During his delivery, he gives a voiceover about how everything he is about to do is incredibly dangerous, but he knows he must face his fears even if it kills him. Then he makes his mother’s vagina disappear.

DECEMBER 18, 1999

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 18:15:04 -0500

Environmental activist Julia “Butterfly” Hill comes down from atop an ancient redwood in Humboldt County, Calif., where she lived for two years to protest logging. Her act creates a form of protest known as “wasting everybody’s time.”

DECEMBER 17, 1903

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:11:00 -0500

Orville and Wilbur Wright make the first successful man-powered airplane flight, near Kitty Hawk, N.C. ”Hey Orville,” Wilbur said after the flight, “let’s never tell anyone about this.” ”Okay,” said Orville. And they never did.

DECEMBER 16, 1773

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:07:00 -0500

American colonists board a British ship and dump more than 300 chests of tea overboard to protest tea taxes in an event often referred to as “The Most Boring Party In Boston.”

DECEMBER 15, AD 37

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 10:00:09 -0500

Roman Emperor Nero is born. He will later execute his mother, “fiddle while Rome burns,” and make an Internet video called “Spankwire.”

DECEMBER 14, 1999

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 12:31:49 -0500

Charles Schulz announces he is retiring the “Peanuts” comic strip. A distraught Linus gives in to his neuroses and kills himself. He is buried with his blanket at sea.

DECEMBER 13, 2003

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 17:50:13 -0500

Ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole. He is quoted as saying, “Now you hide and I’ll count to ten.”

DECEMBER 12, 1925

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 17:38:00 -0500

The first motel - the “Motel Inn” - opens, in San Luis Obispo, California. It is later closed for redundancy.

DECEMBER 11, 1872

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 10:05:59 -0500

America’s first black governor takes office. His name is Pinckney Benton Stewart Pinchback. And he serves for only 35 days. Giving us the old adage, “Once you go Pinchback, you go back very quickly.”

DECEMBER 10, 1851

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:26:00 -0500

Melvil Dewey is born. He will go on to become a librarian and invent a “decimal system” that he will name after himself. And with that, books, the oasis of words, metaphor, and creative thinking, are finally squashed under the oppressive thumb of MATH.

DECEMBER 9, 1994

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 08:50:00 -0500

President Bill Clinton fires Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders after she tells a conference that masturbation should be discussed in school. Defending herself, Elders is quoted as saying, “Rosa Parks masturbated! That’s why she wouldn’t get out of that seat.”

DECEMBER 8, 1980

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 10:47:00 -0500

Rock musician John Lennon is shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by Mark David Chapman.

Man - Chapman was such a Yoko.

DECEMBER 7, 1941

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 20:31:40 -0500

Japanese warplanes attack the US Naval Base in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Our President calls it “a day that will live in infamy.” But historians believe that was “just the polio talking.”

DECEMBER 6, 1969

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 18:40:49 -0500

A free concert by the Rolling Stones at Altamont Speedway in Livermore, CA, descends into chaos and the deaths of four people, including one man who is stabbed by a Hell’s Angel. That man? Judy Garland.

DECEMBER 5, 1933

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 11:12:42 -0500

National Prohibition comes to an end as Utah becomes the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the constitution, repealing the 18th amendment. In other words - the country was in a depression, so it got drunk.

DECEMBER 4, 1954

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 09:07:00 -0500

Tony Todd, AKA Candyman, is born and hidden behind a mirror. Who will free him?

DECEMBER 3, 1947

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 12:12:00 -0500

“A Streetcar Named Desire” by Tennessee Williams opens on Broadway. Critics call it “bold,” “gripping,” and “kinda gay.”

DECEMBER 2, 1981

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:10:00 -0500

White-hot white-trash superstar Britney Spears is born. Paparazzi immediately start taking pictures of her vagina.

DECEMBER 1, 1955

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 09:50:31 -0500

Rosa Parks defies the law when she refuses to give up her seat to a white man on board a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus. After her arrest, she is immediately turned into a statue.