HISTORICAL FICTION

National Prohibition comes to an end as Utah becomes the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the constitution, repealing the 18th amendment.  In other words - the country was in a depression, so it got drunk.

Tony Todd, AKA Candyman, is born and hidden behind a mirror.  Who will free him?

“A Streetcar Named Desire” by Tennessee Williams opens on Broadway.  Critics call it “bold,” “gripping,” and “kinda gay.”

White-hot white-trash superstar Britney Spears is born.  Paparazzi immediately start taking pictures of her vagina.

Rosa Parks defies the law when she refuses to give up her seat to a white man on board a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus.  After her arrest, she is immediately turned into a statue.

The first man to receive a fully self-contained artificial heart dies after living with the device for 151 days. 

He died of a broken heart.

The first Army-Navy football game is played.  Navy wins 24-0 - a huge step forward for gay rights.

Serial Killer Jeffrey Dahmer is murdered in a Wisconsin prison by a fellow inmate.  His body dies, but his soul merges with a prison light fixture - AND THAT LIGHT NEVER WORKS RIGHT AGAIN! 

President George W. Bush flies to Iraq under extreme secrecy and security to spend Thanksgiving with the troops.  Apparently….they needed a turkey.

BAM!  ZING!  RIMSHOT!  NAILED IT! 

The first college social fraternity, Kappa Alpha, is formed at Union College in Schenectady, N.Y.  They immediately begin a 159-year crusade to torment “nerds” - until 1984 when the nerds finally get their revenge.

Pope John XXIII is born.  Of course, Popes aren’t born.  They are sent to earth from heaven inside their giant hats.

Hijacker D.B. Cooper hijacks a Northwest Airlines 727 and parachutes out somewhere over Washington state with $200,000 in ransom.  He uses the money to travel to Los Angeles and assume a new identity: actor Tom Hanks.

At the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco, the jukebox debuts.  It fills a room and can only play one song: “Waffle House Jingle Jangle.”

President John F. Kennedy is assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas, TX.  His final words are reported to be, “This bullet feels like magic.”

The Dow Jones industrial average closes above 5,000 for the first time.  It begins an era of prosperity and economic success that will never end.