December 2008
20 posts
DECEMBER 20, 1999
The Vermont Supreme Court rules that homosexual couples are entitled to the same benefits and protections as wedded couples.
Oh Vermont - you are so cute.
DECEMBER 19, 1967
Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos, AKA Criss Angel, is born. During his delivery, he gives a voiceover about how everything he is about to do is incredibly dangerous, but he knows he must face his fears even if it kills him. Then he makes his mother’s vagina disappear.
DECEMBER 18, 1999
Environmental activist Julia “Butterfly” Hill comes down from atop an ancient redwood in Humboldt County, Calif., where she lived for two years to protest logging. Her act creates a form of protest known as “wasting everybody’s time.”
DECEMBER 17, 1903
Orville and Wilbur Wright make the first successful man-powered airplane flight, near Kitty Hawk, N.C. ”Hey Orville,” Wilbur said after the flight, “let’s never tell anyone about this.” ”Okay,” said Orville. And they never did.
DECEMBER 16, 1773
American colonists board a British ship and dump more than 300 chests of tea overboard to protest tea taxes in an event often referred to as “The Most Boring Party In Boston.”
DECEMBER 15, AD 37
Roman Emperor Nero is born. He will later execute his mother, “fiddle while Rome burns,” and make an Internet video called “Spankwire.”
DECEMBER 14, 1999
Charles Schulz announces he is retiring the “Peanuts” comic strip. A distraught Linus gives in to his neuroses and kills himself. He is buried with his blanket at sea.
DECEMBER 13, 2003
Ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole. He is quoted as saying, “Now you hide and I’ll count to ten.”
DECEMBER 12, 1925
The first motel - the “Motel Inn” - opens, in San Luis Obispo, California. It is later closed for redundancy.
DECEMBER 11, 1872
America’s first black governor takes office. His name is Pinckney Benton Stewart Pinchback. And he serves for only 35 days. Giving us the old adage, “Once you go Pinchback, you go back very quickly.”
DECEMBER 10, 1851
Melvil Dewey is born. He will go on to become a librarian and invent a “decimal system” that he will name after himself. And with that, books, the oasis of words, metaphor, and creative thinking, are finally squashed under the oppressive thumb of MATH.
DECEMBER 9, 1994
President Bill Clinton fires Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders after she tells a conference that masturbation should be discussed in school. Defending herself, Elders is quoted as saying, “Rosa Parks masturbated! That’s why she wouldn’t get out of that seat.”
DECEMBER 8, 1980
Rock musician John Lennon is shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by Mark David Chapman.
Man - Chapman was such a Yoko.
DECEMBER 7, 1941
Japanese warplanes attack the US Naval Base in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Our President calls it “a day that will live in infamy.” But historians believe that was “just the polio talking.”
DECEMBER 6, 1969
A free concert by the Rolling Stones at Altamont Speedway in Livermore, CA, descends into chaos and the deaths of four people, including one man who is stabbed by a Hell’s Angel. That man? Judy Garland.
DECEMBER 5, 1933
National Prohibition comes to an end as Utah becomes the 36th state to ratify the 21st Amendment to the constitution, repealing the 18th amendment. In other words - the country was in a depression, so it got drunk.
DECEMBER 4, 1954
Tony Todd, AKA Candyman, is born and hidden behind a mirror. Who will free him?
DECEMBER 3, 1947
“A Streetcar Named Desire” by Tennessee Williams opens on Broadway. Critics call it “bold,” “gripping,” and “kinda gay.”
DECEMBER 2, 1981
White-hot white-trash superstar Britney Spears is born. Paparazzi immediately start taking pictures of her vagina.
DECEMBER 1, 1955
Rosa Parks defies the law when she refuses to give up her seat to a white man on board a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus. After her arrest, she is immediately turned into a statue.
November 2008
30 posts
NOVEMBER 30, 2001
The first man to receive a fully self-contained artificial heart dies after living with the device for 151 days.
He died of a broken heart.
NOVEMBER 29, 1890
The first Army-Navy football game is played. Navy wins 24-0 - a huge step forward for gay rights.
NOVEMBER 28, 1994
Serial Killer Jeffrey Dahmer is murdered in a Wisconsin prison by a fellow inmate. His body dies, but his soul merges with a prison light fixture - AND THAT LIGHT NEVER WORKS RIGHT AGAIN!
NOVEMBER 27, 2003
President George W. Bush flies to Iraq under extreme secrecy and security to spend Thanksgiving with the troops. Apparently….they needed a turkey.
BAM! ZING! RIMSHOT! NAILED IT!
NOVEMBER 26, 1825
The first college social fraternity, Kappa Alpha, is formed at Union College in Schenectady, N.Y. They immediately begin a 159-year crusade to torment “nerds” - until 1984 when the nerds finally get their revenge.
NOVEMBER 25, 1835
Pope John XXIII is born. Of course, Popes aren’t born. They are sent to earth from heaven inside their giant hats.
NOVEMBER 24, 1971
Hijacker D.B. Cooper hijacks a Northwest Airlines 727 and parachutes out somewhere over Washington state with $200,000 in ransom. He uses the money to travel to Los Angeles and assume a new identity: actor Tom Hanks.
NOVEMBER 23, 1889
At the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco, the jukebox debuts. It fills a room and can only play one song: “Waffle House Jingle Jangle.”
NOVEMBER 22, 1963
President John F. Kennedy is assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas, TX. His final words are reported to be, “This bullet feels like magic.”
NOVEMBER 21, 1995
The Dow Jones industrial average closes above 5,000 for the first time. It begins an era of prosperity and economic success that will never end.
NOVEMBER 20, 2003
Michael Jackson is booked on suspicion of child molestation. But is it molestation to make a little boy’s dream come true!? And by “little boy,” I mean Michael Jackson.
NOVEMBER 19, 1863
President Abraham Lincoln delivers the Gettysburg Address. Shocking onlookers, he delivers it in a super-stereotypical gay voice.
NOVEMBER 18, 1978
More than 900 people die in Jonestown, Guyana, after cult leader Jim Jones urges his followers to drink Kool-Aid laced with cyanide. The only survivor is a large man who escaped by busting through a wall.
NOVEMBER 17, 1968
NBC angers its viewers when it cuts away from a football game to show its regularly scheduled program - “Heidi.” Viewers miss watching the Oakland Raiders come from behind to defeat the New York Jets 43-32.
On the other hand, viewers DID get to see the young Heidi murder her grandfather and run his goat-herding business while wearing a disguise made of his skin.
NOVEMBER 16, 1959
The Rodgers and Hammerstein musical “Nuns! Nannies! Nazis!” opens on Broadway with the boring title, “The Sound of Music.”
NOVEMBER 15, 1887
American painter Georgia O’Keefe is born - and immediately starts painting pictures of her vagina.
NOVEMBER 14, 1851
Herman Melville’s novel “Moby Dick” is published. Originally printed on a series of decorative plates, it was reprinted as a novel after the sheer weight of it crippled the greatest literary minds of the day.
NOVEMBER 13, 1942
The minimum draft age is lowered from 21 to 18. Ensuring our troops will be way less drunk when they fight.
NOVEMBER 12, 1920
Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis is elected baseball’s first commissioner. But he was later stripped of the title when everyone finally realized his name was just too ridiculous.
NOVEMBER 11, 1620
Forty-one pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, still anchored off the coast of Massachusetts, sign the “Mayflower Compact” - officially agreeing to use buckles on belts, shoes, AND hats.
NOVEMBER 10, 1969
“Sesame Street” debuts on PBS. It introduces the characters of Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and Sam the Anti-Semite to a whole generation of youngsters.
NOVEMBER 9, 1934
Astronomer Carl Sagan is born. He will grow up to kill God.
NOVEMBER 8, 1847
Bram Stoker, author of Dracula, is born. Capitalizing on the success of Dracula, Stoker writes two more books - Dracula Goes To Camp and Slam Dunk Dracula - then goes on to win the Nobel Prize for his breakthrough in physics: E=mcDracula.
NOVEMBER 7, 1874
The Republican Party is symbolized as an elephant for the first time in a cartoon by Thomas Nast. Prior to this date, the Party was always symbolized as a angry lobster in a tank top.
NOVEMBER 6, 1854
John Philip Sousa, the “king” of American march music, is born. His hits include “Stars and Stripes Forever” (the official march of the United States), “Semper Fidelis” (the official march of the US Marine Corps), “Axel F” (the official march of Beverly Hills Cop), and “March March March, March!” (the official march of a guy named March...
NOVEMBER 5, 1605
The Gunpowder Plot fails when Guy Fawkes is seized before he can blow up English Parliament. The failure is memorialized as a holiday called ”Guy Fawkes Day.” Years later, it is re-memorialized with an even bigger failure called “V For Vendetta.”
NOVEMBER 4, 1922
The entrance to King Tutankhamen’s tomb is discovered in Egypt. Surprising no one, it is made of stone-a.
NOVEMBER 3, 1957
The Soviet Union launches Sputnik 2 into orbit with a dog on board, proving once and for all that dogs do, in fact, breathe oxygen.
NOVEMBER 2, 1948
Harry Truman shocks the world with his narrow win over Thomas Dewey in the Presidential Election. Newspapers around the country embarrassingly retract headlines that read: “TRUMAN LOSES; COMMITS SUICIDE”
NOVEMBER 1, 1942
Magazine publisher Larry Flynt is born - and immediately starts snapping pictures of his mother’s vagina.