Dec20 2008

DECEMBER 20, 1999

The Vermont Supreme Court rules that homosexual couples are entitled to the same benefits and protections as wedded couples.

Oh Vermont - you are so cute.

Dec19 2008

DECEMBER 19, 1967

Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos, AKA Criss Angel, is born.  During his delivery, he gives a voiceover about how everything he is about to do is incredibly dangerous, but he knows he must face his fears even if it kills him.  Then he makes his mother’s vagina disappear.

Dec18 2008

DECEMBER 18, 1999

Environmental activist Julia “Butterfly” Hill comes down from atop an ancient redwood in Humboldt County, Calif., where she lived for two years to protest logging.  Her act creates a form of protest known as “wasting everybody’s time.”

Dec17 2008

DECEMBER 17, 1903

Orville and Wilbur Wright make the first successful man-powered airplane flight, near Kitty Hawk, N.C.  ”Hey Orville,” Wilbur said after the flight, “let’s never tell anyone about this.”  ”Okay,” said Orville.  And they never did.

Dec16 2008

DECEMBER 16, 1773

American colonists board a British ship and dump more than 300 chests of tea overboard to protest tea taxes in an event often referred to as “The Most Boring Party In Boston.”

Dec15 2008

DECEMBER 15, AD 37

Roman Emperor Nero is born.  He will later execute his mother, “fiddle while Rome burns,” and make an Internet video called “Spankwire.”

Dec14 2008

DECEMBER 14, 1999

Charles Schulz announces he is retiring the “Peanuts” comic strip.  A distraught Linus gives in to his neuroses and kills himself.  He is buried with his blanket at sea.

Dec13 2008

DECEMBER 13, 2003

Ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is captured by U.S. forces while hiding in a hole.  He is quoted as saying, “Now you hide and I’ll count to ten.” 

Dec12 2008

DECEMBER 12, 1925

The first motel - the “Motel Inn” - opens, in San Luis Obispo, California.  It is later closed for redundancy.

Dec11 2008

DECEMBER 11, 1872

America’s first black governor takes office.  His name is Pinckney Benton Stewart Pinchback.  And he serves for only 35 days.  Giving us the old adage, “Once you go Pinchback, you go back very quickly.”

Dec10 2008

DECEMBER 10, 1851

Melvil Dewey is born.  He will go on to become a librarian and invent a “decimal system” that he will name after himself.  And with that, books, the oasis of words, metaphor, and creative thinking, are finally squashed under the oppressive thumb of MATH.

Dec9 2008

DECEMBER 9, 1994

President Bill Clinton fires Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders after she tells a conference that masturbation should be discussed in school.  Defending herself, Elders is quoted as saying, “Rosa Parks masturbated!  That’s why she wouldn’t get out of that seat.”

Dec8 2008

DECEMBER 8, 1980

Rock musician John Lennon is shot to death outside his New York City apartment building by Mark David Chapman. 

Man - Chapman was such a Yoko.

Dec7 2008

DECEMBER 7, 1941

Japanese warplanes attack the US Naval Base in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.  Our President calls it “a day that will live in infamy.”  But historians believe that was “just the polio talking.”

Dec6 2008

DECEMBER 6, 1969

A free concert by the Rolling Stones at Altamont Speedway in Livermore, CA, descends into chaos and the deaths of four people, including one man who is stabbed by a Hell’s Angel.  That man?  Judy Garland.